03 December 2009

All There Is

Mr. B. looks a bit melancholic tonight. He said he didn't sleep well yesterday. Too much in his mind he said. I did observe that he looked quite sad after talking to D. on the phone last night. Maybe it was about what they talked about.

"I am at that stage of my life, Becker." he said in all seriousness.

"What stage?" I asked noting that he just called me "Becker" instead of the usual cheerful "Beck-Beck".

"That stage where insurance companies do not want to insure you and banks won't give you loans anymore." he said.

"Why is that?" not understanding what he was refering to.

"What if this is all there is, Becker?" he answered without really answering my question. "What if my present job would be my last? That I won't be able to buy my dream house? That I won't ever be thin and healthy? That I won't be able to visit all the places I wanted to go to? That I would grow too old to work and won't be able to support myself in my old age? That I won't have anything and be anyone else except for who I am and what I have right now?"

Wow. That was a little bit too much for my little brain but I tried to understand what he just said.

"But, Mr. B., nothing is wrong with your job now, nothing is wrong with this apartment and nothing is wrong with your life!" I tried to reason.

"Yeah but this will be all there is. Nothing more. Done." he replied.
"You're just getting old." I tried to sound happy as I hug him. "There's nothing wrong with that."

As we hugged for a long time right there in the middle of the living room, I wished I have some kind of power to help Mr. B. To say or do something to reverse everything and make everything okay to him again. To calm his heart and his mind.

He is just getting old, I keep telling myself. That is all there is to it.

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